by walkytalky

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Assorted vocal experiments and pastiches of other people's styles.


released October 20, 2014




walkytalky UK

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Track Name: National Service
Billy got the elbow
Susan wanted someone taller
Forlorn, forsworn, he went to sea
Became a bingo caller
Compered wet T shirt contests
Ran the karaoke machine
And yearned to fill the boiler room
With nitroglycerine
Looked wistfully for icebergs
On the Caribbean waves
From time to time nudged OAPs
To oceanic graves
If only he'd been taller
Or at least worn platform shoes
He could have stayed at home in Blighty
With his childhood sweetheart, Suze
Getting pissed and making babies
On the grubby eiderdown
In their fashionable shithole
In the heart of Chickentown
Instead he's swabbing vomit from the decks
For all eternity
Yes it's happy ever after
In the service industry.

Daisy wed a footballer
Who kicked her, tore her dress
He slept, she wept, fled to the skies
A long haul stewardess
Learned to flirt with businessmen
As she served their meals on wheels
And the Rank charm school deportment style
For turbulence in heels
Got her arse pinched daily
As she trolleyed down the aisle
Deflected lewd suggestions
With a fixed and glassy smile
Got the habit of responding
With polite but pointed snubs
To First Class insinuations
She should join the Mile High Club
Finally lost it with some leering twat
But he turned out to be gay...
And famously litigious...
And the chairman of BA
So she fucked off back to Beasley Street
Where they've got a Starbucks now
She's frothing cappuccinos
And bidding customers 'ciao'
On a zero hours contract
With a physics PhD
She’ll be happy ever after
In the service industry.

Amit worked in telesales
By night cruised leather bars
Sipping alcopops for courage
Sucking strangers off in cars
Thought there might be some percentage
From his twilight undertaking
Earn a few bob while swirling
In a cesspool of his own making
Put an advert on the internet
Saying he was willing to go down
For the price of a pack of Woodbines
And a pint of Newcy Brown
All work is prostitution, right?
And he'd do it anyway
Less demeaning than his other life
In a call centre all day
But he got lured to the canal side
By some thugs from the BNP
Spent the next month in a coma
In the Royal Infirmary
Makes slightly better money as a
Triple amputee
Happy ever fucking after
In the service industry...
Track Name: Peep Show
Let me tell you about Little Bo Peep
I know you've heard the story
How she lost her sheep
But that story ain't the truth

Little Bo Peep did not lose her sheep
The truth is, Little Bo Peep never had any sheep
Little Bo Peep was no shepherdess
Little Bo Peep was a cowgirl

Down in Utah, Arizona or Texas
In the wide open, empty spaces
In the Home of the Brave
Little Bo Peep was a cowgirl

A rider of the purple sage
That summer, high and blue
Although the streams weren't swollen
She kept them doggies rollin'

Little Bo Peep was a cowgirl
And Little Bo Peep lost her cows
She didn't rope, throw and brand 'em
She tried to understand 'em
No rings on their fingers
No bells on their toes
And now there's no music
Wherever she goes
No music
Where she goes

What good is a cowgirl with no cows?
In the wide open, empty spaces?
In the Home of the Brave?
Little Bo Peep was no cowgirl
She might as well have been a shepherdess
Imagine the shame
Imagine the shame

Why do you think you've never heard this story?
Why do you think?

Imagine the shame

Little Bo Peep


Why do you think?
Track Name: Sleeping Dogs Lie


Come to the dance
At Kalashnikov Hall
Where the price of a beer
Is a tear from your eye

Where our truest delight
At the end of the night
Is to see lovers quarrel
And watch passion die

Meet Spanish Pete
At his seat in the dark
Where he's nursing a tumbler
Of bitters and rye

Broken-hearted, alone
He should've stayed home
But he never did learn
To let sleeping dogs lie

So he's back one more time
To the scene of the crime
Just to see Jet Boy Eddie
Sour apple of his eye

Eddie's one of those angels
Or devils, or both, that you'll
Always find plenty of
Lurking nearby

He's a dazzling sight
In the glitterball's light
Bumping, grinding, arms draped
Round some other doomed guy

Pete stalking his prey
That's tonight's cabaret
We won't have to wait long
To see a grown man cry

Come to the dance
At Kalashnikov Hall
Where friendship’s a poison
That’s in short supply

We’re all young and pretty
And bitter and witty
It’s a town without pity
Just one long goodbye

Pete’s out of his chair now,
Propelled by despair
And he’s too drunk to care
If it all goes awry

There’s still time to retreat
To his home, to his seat
But he never did learn
To let sleeping dogs lie

Pete staggers, unsteady
As he squares up to Eddie
And blearily, whimpering
Begs to know why

Jet Boy Eddie just sneers
At his last victim’s tears
He’s pointing and laughing
And slapping his thigh

His new boy joins in too
And now me, and now you
The performance is ending
The moment is nigh

We crowd around greedily
Needing to feed
On the money shot:
Making a grown man cry

He came to the dance
At Kalashnikov Hall
Where you’re lucky to leave
Only wanting to die

But he’ll be right back tomorrow
To wallow in sorrow
Cos he never did learn
To let sleeping dogs...
Track Name: The Banality of Evil
Come in, do come in
To my parlour, dear soul
For a cup of Earl Grey
And a slice of swiss roll

Tell me dear, have you seen
Who's moved in next door?
It's caused quite a commotion
They're hard to ignore
With those clothes
And that hair
That unfeasible beard
You know I'm no bigot
But don't they seem weird?

They're so noisy
So ethnic
So pungent
So queer
(How's the cake?)
I don't think they'll fit in
Around here

They're seeking 'asylum'
It said on the news
Which means soon we'll be crawling
With gypsies
And Jews

I've heard they eat horses
And fricassee dogs
Where they go
They're soon followed
By locusts
And frogs
They carry diseases
They're riddled with lice
And our little community
Used to be nice

Now they're here in the village
Drinking pints in the bar
They're putting up curtains
And washing the car
They're there in the post office
Selling you stamps
We should take them away
We should put them in camps
I mean *nice* camps
Like butlin's
Not Auschwitz, of course
But they won't want to go
We may have to use force

Well you know me
I don't like to make
A big fuss
But they just don't belong here
They're just not like us
With their racial and moral
We have to *do* something...
Would you like some more tea?
Track Name: Bait
You know, I can't help
Am I the worm pierced on the hook
Or the fish that took the line?
It's getting harder to divine
Just where I fit in your design
Am I the worm upon the hook?

I liked to think I was your prey
I guess I figured out too late
The way that you use men, as bait
And now I can't tell either way
Was I the worm upon the hook?

Was I the cheese inside the trap
Or the mouse with broken back
Was I a lover or a friend
Or just another means
to just another
Track Name: The Queen of Sorrow
On the third night before midwinter
Ice daggers clothed the leafless forest
Turning moonlight into
Glitter beams among the trees
And we came to the clearing
Bone-tired and footsore
With frost in our beards

A footman in tailcoat and stovepipe hat
Swept a low, sardonic bow
And bade us welcome
As we stepped into the circle
Of the Queen of Sorrow's Ball.
The night was dark
But swarms of purple fireflies
Flitted beneath the boughs
And the ladies of the company danced
A stately pavane in the snow
To the rich hurdy gurdy drone
Of a vulpine orchestra
While their suitors smarmed and chittered
Stiff-backed and double-jointed
Sipping honey beer from ice goblets
And laughed like tiny children
With voices of broken glass.

At the centre of the clearing
At the centre of it all
The Queen held court
Bestowing a nod here
A smile there
Enchanting all who laid eyes on her
None more than I
As the night turned slowly to dawn
And the festivities unwound
She held my gaze and whispered:
"Come back tomorrow."

On the second night before midwinter
Four of our party returned
To feast and dance in the arctic night
Beneath shimmering veils of green
Waiters in silver
And ushers in bronze
With feather caps and formal coats
Served acorn cups of spiced mulled wine
And the ladies danced the sarabande
While the gentlemen played at cards

The Queen ran silken fingers through my hair
And the courtiers averted their gaze
As she leant down to me
Lips brushing my ear
To softly say:
"Come back again, tomorrow"

Which is why
The night before midwinter
I ventured back, myself alone
To rejoin the merriment of the court
Starlight rimed the Earth's white carapace
And wolves bayed in the wood
And in the clearing was music and laughter
But no-one to be seen
I swigged harsh brandy from my flask
And listened to a lively gavotte
From behind the curtain of the air
Perched meekly on a fallen log
And waited for the shortest day.

She deigned to come, then, briefly
And grant a final smile
A flutter of the eyelashes
A light caress, a kiss

"Aren't you going to ask me
To come back tomorrow night?"
"No call for that," she laughed.
"You're here now, that's what matters.
It's the third time, that's the charm."
And then, even as the ice crystals
Started to spread inside me
To cloud my vision and pierce my heart
She turned carelessly away to her unseen companions and said:
"Ladies, let's segue."
Track Name: walkymatt vs baddcr - Soylent Green
Smells of Mr Sheen
Mothers Pride & margarine
We stand hand in hand
On the silver screen
Feels like only yesterday
Troubles seemed so far away
We had perfect chemistry
There was nothing more to say
Like a romance magazine
Photographed through Vaseline
Spending happy hours
With my beauty queen
Smoking cigarettes
And eating Soylent Green
Eating Soylent Green

Knights in white terylene
Jousting for kerosene
We were off our heads
On methamphetamine
Where'd you go my dear?
I searched far and near
Since you went away
Nothing good can happen here
Can't you see that girl?
Won't you watch that scene?
They're digging the dancing queen
Digging the dancing queen
Still it's happy hour
And I'm eating Soylent Green
Eating Soylent Green

Fly my time machine
To that ancient scene
Waste another year
Being seventeen
Blinked and you were gone
How to carry on?
How to carry on?
How to carry on?
One more happy hour
With the Acid Queen
Drunk on Listerine
Eating Soylent Green
Loving you is like
Eating Soylent Green
Loving you is like…
Track Name: Lullaby
Here they come
From the sky!
Watch those men, son
In the sky
Love them, hate them
Men that can fly
Trust those men, son
They're the ones
Black ties, gold wings
Rich men, with guns
White shirts, white teeth
Smiling, sincere
Bringing glad tidings of
Sickness and fear
Flee from those men, son
Gliding to Earth
Their hairstyles cost more
Than our whole city's worth
Love them but run away
Know if you're caught
They'll laugh and embrace you
And kill you for sport
Crusaders from Heaven
In tailored silk suits
And war's just one more
Of their idle pursuits
Worship and run away
Don't even think twice
It's all just a matter of
Never look back, son
That's what you must know
Trust in those men, son
And trust me, and go.